Really, I'm not.

Living in a small town, people often assume they know what's going on. I get this a lot in my personal life. People think they know who I am dating - male or female. I used to spend time and effort retorting,
"Really, I'm not."
No, I'm not dating (insert name of choice from gossip).
No, I'm not getting married.
No, I'm not engaged.
No, I'm not pregnant,
and no,
really, I'm not a lesbian.
But over the past few years, I've quit. People are always going to talk, and idle minds live off the hype. I cannot change that.

It wasn't until recently that my children asked me about it. They have repeatedly (and adamantly) voiced their wishes that I never marry.
"We've lived this long without a dad and we don't need one here now."
"I like things just the way they are."
Or as Tabitha said, "You've got us, Mommy. That's all you need"
Maybe their childlike mentality is looking for security in sameness, but I suspect one day they will want to know, and the reality is this.

Once upon a time,
a long time ago
in a land far far awayI was head over heels, knock-down-drag-'em-out, crazy in love with Perfect Man (or nearly perfect man). He was religious, well-mannered, caring, educated and good-looking. Inwardly I melted from his glance. Outwardly I trembled from his touch. Thankfully he had similar feelings bcz my feelings weren't subtle. The sun shone brighter; I felt vibrant & oh-so-alive, and if the world around me got scary, somehow he made me feel safe. See?  I was crazy in love.

But that was a long time ago
far far away.
Love, like a fragile flower is beautiful, and it can be crushed into the ground.A lot has happened in the interim.
So this is the life for me now.
Once you've been satisfied in nearly way - emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually - it's hard to settle for so much less.  Nearly perfect may be a once in a lifetime event, and right now it's unusual if the guys I meet have held a job for more than two years.
Not even in the same stratosphere as Perfect Man.

So no, really I'm not gay,
but once upon a time,
long ago
I was "over the moon" happy.