Apache, my dearest

I'm writing on this side of the picture bcz it's his "good" profile. It was the large swelling on the opposite side that started this heartbreaking journey.

When the swelling first appeared, it looked like a spider bite, but it was freezing outside. There shouldn't be a spider bite during a snowstorm, so I took him to Vet S. She said it appeared to be an abscessed tooth and scheduled him for surgery. That was two weeks ago.

After a frightening night of unexplained wheezing, early this morning Apache made another harried trip to see Vet S. This time her assessment was dismal.
CXR wnl, but encapsulated hepatic mass visualized on u/s.
She was apologetic,
"I cannot believe I'm giving you another terminal diagnosis. . ."
She also asked that Apache be retrieved immediately bcz he was having a panic attack - even after being sedated.

SIGH
No, that doesn't begin to cover it.
Can I swear?
Can I bawl?
Can I have my own panic attack?
Can I throw up from overwhelming heartache?
I am NOT AT ALL PREPARED TO LOSE MY BEST FRIEND.
I AM NOT!!
I AM NOT!!
I AM NOT!!
Do you hear me God? Of course you already know this about me, and you know it to be true.
I AM NOT PREPARED TO LOSE MY BEST FRIEND.

adoption is a rollercoaster

Today was good day. It's still scary, but I've decided I must start the blog before time passes by. It's happening. My dearest, deepest wish (to parent those 4 children) is being fulfilled. Today my dossier returned from being apostilled in Austin. In adoption terms, it means the mountain of paperwork has been submitted and approved. I've ascended the USA side of the adoption rollercoaster; hopefully, the Latvian side won't be too scary. Maybe?